Not brilliant at present…

You may have realised I’ve been a bit quiet for a while.

I’ve stopped crowing about my super-smoothies and my ventures towards solid food, simply because it ain’t happening. After two doses of radiotherapy, neither of which appear to have done much except maybe stop the bleeding from my main oesophageal cancer (my back is no better at all), I have observed the relentless weight loss (over 52 lbs so far) and it took a bio-scientist friend of mine to say “You’d better get back on those Ensures or you won’t be here for long! You need the carbohydrates they offer and you need them now!”

I trust my friend, the bio-scientist. He is one of the most eminent people in his field. I also trust other views I am getting but I am in a cleft stick – if he tells me I am hastening my death by refusing easily-absorbed carbs such as are found in “Ensure” I feel I must follow his advice. He gave me a long explanation of why Ensures will keep me alive and I can see no point in throwing what little I have left away because of a somewhat academic issue. He is of the view that, whatever I do, this type of cancer is relentless. Refusing to nourish my body is really being suicidal and that I ain’t!

I have given a raw food diet every chance, to my absolute detriment, that is to say I can SEE my body deteriorating and that’s that. The speed at which the deterioration is maintained is very scary and I will take some Ensures as well as “the good stuff”.

My response is determined by my absolute inability to ingest anything other than liquid. My fantastic “smoothies” will no longer stay down as I fancy the tumour is advancing up my oesophagus, making it harder and harder.

My own advice will not be appropriate for everyone. Clearly the state of my digestive system is a bit unusual, so right now my priority is NOT TO DESTROY MY MUSCULAR SYSTEM COMPLETELY.

So today I reluctantly went on to Ensures again in the hope that it might give me a brief respite from becoming a living skeleton. What really brought it home were the family photos after my son’s wedding on Tuesday (see them at Adam and Mandy’s Wedding at http://www.flickr.com/gp/16735390@N00/054kh9 and I’m sure you’ll agree!) Watching my family and friends watching me was an education! I think it’s time for me to concentrate on building up a bit as the “good food” is not helping at all.

Any advice welcome.

Another problem is that the nature of these sickly drinks is that they come straight back up if I drink the slightest amount of fruity stuff, because they curdle into lumps which won’t go down because the aperture to my stomach is now so tiny. I crave ice cold fruity things but can’t have them without real discomfort.

I will see my oncologist next Thursday and she will offer me chemo but knows I’ll say “NO”. She may offer me a stent to allow food down but the dangers here are making the cancer bleed again and metastasize further, as well as possible rejection.

My spiritual side is being well looked after with meditation, reiki and an excellent grop of positive buddies, so do not fear for my state of mind. But, when the body is so relentlessly attacked, it’s hard to see that in a positive way without deluding oneself.

Working is tougher now but I’m still doing it as we have to pay the mortgage. After that, who knows?

 

Love to you all,

 

 

TonyO xxxxxxxx